Dogs Don’t Talk

Wrote this for the kids, thought I’d post it for feedback.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a land that very much resembles this one, but not quite, there lived four cousins.  Well, to be specific, they were two cousins, a brother, and a sister.  Their names were Mikayla, Logan, Vianna, and Xavier.  Mikayla and Logan were the brother and sister, and Vianna and Xavier were the cousins.

As cousins tend to do, the four were visiting each other, and having a grand time.  After a long afternoon of jumping in creeks and throwing sticks for their dogs to chase, the grown-ups sent the cousins to bed.  Mikayla and Vianna were in one room, with their little dog Pixie, and Logan and Xavier were in another room, with their big dog, Bo.

Late that night, after the cousins had gone to sleep, Pixie and Bo crept out of the rooms to speak of dog things, as dogs tend to do after their humans have gone to bed.  They talked of the birds they had chased, and bragged about how far their humans could throw sticks.

Now, unbeknownst to the grownups, the cousins, and indeed, unknown to humans everywhere, a little bit of magic had become stuck under the bed shared by Xavier and Logan.  Dogs however, can smell these things, and nothing would do but for Pixie and Bo to investigate.  Bo was too large to fit under the bed where the little bit of magic was, so Pixie crept beneath to get a closer look.  Bo stuck his head under, so that he could see, and he sniffed so strong that a little bit of magic got stuck in his nose and he let out a mighty sneeze.

As you well know, Magic is nothing to sneeze at, and Bo’s sneeze was so mighty and so ill timed that it caught Pixie by surprise and before she could bark, she was blown right through the Magic and out of this world.  Bo could see through the magic now, and he spied a unicorn looking back, quite surprised, before something grabbed Pixie and carried her away.

This upset Bo, for Pixie was his friend.  He decided to wake the humans, for humans in their way are much smarter than dogs, and it was possible that Logan and Xavier would know what to do when dogs get stolen by magical creatures from the land under the bed.

Bo went to Xavier, who was his human, and tried to wake him.  Bo intended to say ‘Woof’, but to Bo’s surprise, what he said instead was ‘Xavier, wake up!’  Xavier of course, was quite startled by this and woke up immediately.  He blinked in the darkness, and said ‘I thought I heard someone tell me to wake up.’

‘Bark’, was what Bo intended to say, but instead, what came out was ‘yes, it was me!’

Xavier turned on the light and looked at Bo, very confused.  ‘Bo,’ he said.  ‘Dogs don’t talk’.

‘Well, be that as it may,’ Bo responded, ‘but tonight is very strange and I need you to wake up so we can rescue Pixie.’

Hopping out of bed, Xavier immediately went to wake up Logan.  ‘Logan,’ he said, ‘Wake up, we need to go rescue Pixie!’

‘Hmmmm?’ said Logan, for he was still a little sleepy.  ‘Who says we need to go rescue Pixie?’

‘Bo says’, responded Xavier.

‘Don’t be silly,’ said Logan.  ‘Dogs don’t talk.’

‘Well, be that as it may,’ said Bo, ‘but I need you to wake up for I fear Pixie is in great danger.  A monster from under the bed stole her!’

‘There are no monsters under the bed,’ said Logan firmly, for he was older than Xavier, and had checked thoroughly.

‘Normally there aren’t,’ said Bo, ‘for Pixie and I chase them off whenever they try to settle there.  But tonight a bit of magic got stuck, and I sneezed Pixie through it!  I could not see what took her, but I bet the unicorn did!’

Logan nodded gravely.  He thought for a moment of waking the grown-ups, but it always takes so long to explain things like this to grown-ups that he was worried Pixie would be quite eaten if he took the time.  ‘Come, Xavier, we must question the unicorn immediately!’

The boys were on their way under the bed when Bo spoke up again.  ‘Oh no, you can’t.  Unicorns don’t talk to boys!’

‘How do you know?’ asked Logan.

‘I am a dog,’ Bo replied.  ‘We know these things.  Unicorns only talk to girls, and quetzals only talk to boys.’

Sighing, Xavier and Logan looked at each other.  This was obviously big magic, and they knew that Mikayla and Vianna were smart, but they were girls, and sometimes boy cousins like to have adventures that are just boys.  But if unicorns would only talk to girls, then they were going to need to wake the girls.

Quietly, the boys crept over to the room where the girls slept, probably dreaming of flowers and pink and other things boys think girls dream about.  Logan woke his sister Mikayla, while Xavier woke cousin Vianna.  Now, while Mikayla is the oldest, she was not quite a grown-up and so naturally understood right away that having magic stuck under one’s bed was a very big problem.

Logan explained that the girls would have to question the unicorns about what might have taken Pixie, for unicorns don’t talk to boys, just like quetzals don’t talk to girls.

‘What is a quetzal?’ Vianna asked, as the children peered under the bed at the magic.

‘It is a snake with feathers,’ Bo answered.

‘Bo, dogs don’t talk,’ Mikayla said, ‘and that’s just silly.  A snake with feathers.’

‘Be that as it may,’ Bo responded, a bit miffed, ‘it is no sillier than a horse with a horn.’

Mikayla shrugged, and, being the brave girl she was, crawled under the bed and right through the Magic.  She found herself in a world beautiful and strange, with a sky that seemed to change colors when you looked upon it and grass just a shade too green to be real.  And of course, there were unicorns.  She scarcely noticed her cousins coming through the Magic behind her with Bo, so intent was she at gazing upon these beautiful creatures.  She always knew they really existed, no matter what the grown-ups said.  With Vianna at her side, she approached the herd.

The boys waited behind with Bo, for they knew the unicorns would not speak to them and were worried that Bo would frighten them, for he was a very big dog.  They were a bit scared for the girls as the unicorns took notice of the approaching children.  The herd parted, and a particularly beautiful unicorn approached the children.  She was whiter than the whitest snow, and had a mane of streaming gold.  Her horn was also gold, and reflected the sun in that perfect way that only gold can.  She spoke to the girls, and her voice was music.  ‘Who might you be?’

‘I might be Mikayla,’ answered Mikayla, ‘and this might be my cousin Vianna, but today is very strange and so we might be mistaken.  We’ve just come through the magic, you see, and are searching for our Pixie.  Bo says a monster took her, and that you might have seen.’

The unicorn nodded, and smiled in a friendly manner.  ‘I saw a monster take something, and fly to the west.  I am Nysa.’

Vianna could stand it no longer, and she stretched out her hand to the unicorn and caressed the soft, silky coat of white.  ‘Oh you are beautiful,’ she said.

The unicorn was startled, for she had never before been touched by a human child.  ‘You are strange creatures,’ she said, nuzzling Vianna gently.  ‘But you seem nice.’  And with that Nysa knelt down so that the girls could climb on board.  ‘I think I will carry you in the right direction, and we can get to know each other better.’

Xavier and Logan saw the unicorn pick up the girls, and decided it was safe to approach.  They knew the unicorn wouldn’t talk to them, so they decided to walk on their own feet.  The ground, after all, was soft and springy, like running on a trampoline, and even with their short legs they were able to keep up with the unicorn without scarcely breathing hard.  ‘Perhaps,’ said Logan, ‘a little of the magic has got in us as well’.  Xavier nodded in agreement.

They ran west for some time, until they started to smell scents that reminded them of camping out back in their own land.  The unicorn whispered to the girls, ‘I think we are in a village of the brownies.’

Politely, the girls passed this information to the boys.  Logan said, ‘perhaps we should ask, they may have seen where Pixie was taken.’  The girls and the unicorn agreed that this was wise, and Mikayla dismounted and walked to the village with Logan and Xavier.  Vianna stayed with Nysa to keep her company, for Nysa was worried about stepping on a brownie.

Inside the village of the pygmies, there was much excitement.  Like the unicorns, they had never seen human children before, and were most impressed.  Brownies, you see, are no more than nine inches tall at the very largest, and this particular village tended towards shortness.  Slowly the village elder, old and bent like a knobby twig, approached the children.  ‘What business have you giants in our village?’

At first the three children looked behind them to see the giants, but realized in a moment more that the Brownie must be talking to them.  ‘I am Mikayla,’ Mikayla answered, ‘and this is my brother Logan and my cousin Xavier.  We are children from beyond the magic, and we are here searching for our Pixie, for a monster took her in this direction.’

The Brownies conferred for a moment.  They had indeed seen a monster, but that wasn’t what they were conferring about.  There were four children out and about, entirely unsupervised, and this isn’t something that makes grown-ups of any height particularly happy.  They quickly came to an agreement.  ‘We know of this monster, and we have our greatest hero, Mithlytigibbit, go rescue your pixie.  Meanwhile, you can stay here, and we will watch over you.’

Mithlytigibbit was pleased, for he had always dreamed of meeting a pixie and perhaps marrying her and having winged children.  Mikayla, however, was annoyed.  ‘We have come this far, and we have a unicorn with us.  If you will not tell us, then I suppose we shall continue on this direction.’

The village elder shook his head.  ‘Journeys and adventures are no place for children.  We cannot let you pass.’

Logan looked about the village, and then looked at Xavier.  ‘Cousin Xavier, it seems to me this village is very much like the block towers we build at home.  I think if these brownies do not tell us where Pixie is, right this minute, we should start kicking things over.’  Xavier nodded in agreement, for he knew making a big mess was always something that got adult attention.

The village elder sighed, for it was difficult enough to handle brownie children, and they were the size of inchworms.  ‘Very well then, we will allow you to accompany Mithlytigibbit.  But you must behave yourselves.’

‘We shall,’ promised Mikayla.  She was a bit distracted, for Mithlytigibbit was saddling his noble steed, a beautiful big white rat, and Mikayla rather liked beautiful big white rats.  They made excellent pets, and Mikayla figured any grown-up that had a pet beautiful big white rat couldn’t be all bad.

They returned to Nysa, and the girls climbed back onto her back.  Bo sniffed at the white rat, who was quite scared of Bo until Bo promised not to eat it, and in fact, offered to let both the rat and Mithlytigibbit ride upon his back so that they could keep up with the children and the unicorn.

Around the children, the scenery was starting to change.  Rolling hills and pastoral splendor were giving way to jaggedly mountains and dark ravines.  The path they traveled seemed as though they were riding between the teeth of a giant crocodile.  In the distance they could see the swirling clouds of a storm sending out jagged bolts of lightning in all directions.

‘I think we are nearly there’, said Logan.

‘What makes you say that?’ sneered Mithlytigibbet.  He was rather annoyed at having to travel with four giant children that he was sure would start crying for their mothers and need all sorts of rescuing at any moment.

‘Well,’ said Logan, ‘if I were a monster, that looks like the kind of place I would live.’

Mithlytigibbet had to admit that made a curious sort of sense, and so he contented himself to grumble in near silence.  He was quite sure that he’d heard the dog snicker.  Suddenly, some great shape blotted the sun from the sky and before he could draw his dagger, there were goblins in the midst of the children.  Mithlytigibbet found himself thrust into a bag of some kind, and before it closed upon him he saw Nysa fleeing safely away, the two girls still on her back.  Of the boys, he saw no sign, but he could hear Bo growling fiercely and the yips of creatures being bitten.  What rotten luck, he thought to himself.  If these children hadn’t distracted me I would have been on guard.

Xavier and Logan fought valiantly alongside Bo, biting and kicking at the goblins, but they were soon overwhelmed.  Xavier found himself thrust in a bag alongside Bo, and Logan was thrust into a bag by himself.  Logan was a most brave little boy, and he continued to fight and kick even when in the bag.  His fought caught a goblin upside the head, and the goblin dropped the bag.  It tumbled down into the darkness, and Logan found himself quite shook up and scared there, alone in the dark.  He could hear things creeping about, and things are always so much bigger in the dark, especially when one is alone.

Nysa fled with the girls upon her back, hanging on for dear life.  The girls were frightened, but no goblin born can outrun a unicorn trying to protect two children, and soon there was no more pursuit.  ‘We have to go back,’ said Mikayla.  ‘We must rescue the boys.’

‘We cannot,’ said Nysa.  ‘Not by ourselves, and Mithlytigibbet was captured too.  Look, see the tower ahead?  There is supposed to be great power within.  Perhaps we can find something there that will help us rescue the boys.’

Vianna nodded and indicated for Nysa to continue on.  They reached the tower quickly.  To Vianna’s consternation, there was no handle with which to open the door into the tower.  Nysa pointed with her horn.  ‘There is no handle, just these strange patterns on the wall around the door.’

At once Mikayla saw the trick to opening the door, and laughed to herself.  ‘Abracadabra and please!’ she said, and the door opened for her.

Nysa could only stare at Mikayla.  ‘How did you do that?’ she asked.

“Why, I read the words, and they said ‘to enter, just say the magic words’.  So, I did.” Mikayla answered

‘Are you a wizard then?’ Nysa asked, in a voice at once both fearful and respectful.  ‘You must be a great wizard, to know the secrets of the patterns and the words of magic.’

Mikayla smiled. ‘I suppose then I am,’ she said.  ‘But it is not magic, they are just words, and most human children are taught the magic words except for the bratty ones.’

‘Such a strange and wondrous place you must come from,’ Nysa said, and entered the tower behind Mikayla and Vianna.

Inside the library, to the delight of Mikayla and Vianna, the walls were filled with columns and columns of books of all shapes and sizes, and some that glowed with magic and floated in the air without the need for a desk to rest upon.  Immediately Mikayla went to just such a book and opened it, reading the words within.  ‘Why, look, Vianna, it says here that all it takes to turn someone into a frog is to move your hand like this and say the words ‘presto, froggo!’”

From behind her, Mikayla heard a just slightly Vianna sounding ‘ribbet’.  ‘Oops, sorry,’ Mikayla giggled.  ‘Let me find the page that fixes that.  Ah, here we are, ‘Presto, unfroggo!’”

Vianna was still learning how to read, so she busied herself picking thistles from Nysa’s fur and trying not to turn into a frog as Mikayla continued to practice with the books.

‘There,’ Mikayla pronounced.  ‘I think with this book, and this book, and this one here, we can go rescue the boys and show those goblins what’s what.’

Meanwhile, Logan could hear things creeping about in the dark, and began to grow frightened.  Things, as you well know, are bigger and scarier when one is in the dark, and this is especially true of monsters.  He could hear them, creeping and scurrying and slithering and writhing and all those other ways monsters move about.  Their voices rasped in the darkness as they caught the whiff of scared little boy.

And then Logan starting thinking, for he was very clever, that if monsters were bigger and scarier in the dark, so then, was he.  And when they called out that they were coming in to eat him, Logan yelled back, ‘come then, for I am hungry, and I am going to eat you.  For I am Logan the Mighty, and I am the most monstrous monster that ever dared to monster!’

The monsters were taken aback.  The grink whistled to the scringe, ‘do you suppose he has fearsome claws?’

Quivering ever so slightly, the scringe growled back, ‘he must, to be the most monstrous of monsters.’

Timidly, the broo shook it’s twenty tentacles and whispered that it wasn’t going in first, someone else must.  Finally, the scringe spoke so that Logan could hear.

‘Do you have formidable fangs?’ the scringe asked.

‘I can bite through a kit-kat in a single crunch,’ Logan replied sternly.

The mit-kat’s bristles stood straight up and turned a little bit white at the sound of those words, and the scringe spoke again, ‘And awesome claws?’

‘I have but to rake my claws across a chalkboard and all flee before me!’ Logan replied ferociously.

‘You are then, quite large?’ the scringe inquired.

‘I am more than twice the size of a breadbox!’ Logan shouted.

Warily, the scringe moved closer to the boy, and peeked at Logan for just a moment before stumbling back in fear.  Magic, you see, is a strange and wondrous thing.  For there, in the dark, Logan had convinced the monsters that he was so frightening that when they looked upon him, they did not see a little boy, but the most monstrous monster that ever monstered.

Logan himself looked upon the scringe cowering before him.  A scringe looks something like a gorilla, and something like a triceratops, and quite a bit like neither, and of course Logan had never seen one before.  It knelt before him, trembling, and said, ‘surely you are then, the King of Monsters, and we are your humble servants.’

With a smile, Logan patted the scringe on the head and looked out at the other monsters.  The mit-kat’s bristles were down now, and it wagged its fluffy spiked tail and gazed with it’s four eyes at the King of Monsters.  The broo gathered it’s twenty tentacles and floated into the air, blinking it’s one gigantic eye at the King of Monsters, which was a bow in the fashion of broos.  The grink whistled a friendly greeting, and flew closer on it’s dragon-fly like wings, while the yinx and the julu-bear doffed their hats in respect.

Without fear or hesitation, Logan climbed aboard the scringe, seating himself on it’s massive shoulders and holding onto it’s head-fan for support.  ‘Come then, my monsters, for I have a sister and cousins to rescue!’

Xavier was enjoying goblin hospitality.  He hoped his cousins arrived soon, but he had quite forgotten all about Mithlytigibbet, who was still stuck in a sack and hanging on the back of the door.  You see, among goblins, rank is determined by who is dirtiest.  And if there is one thing Xavier is good at, it is getting dirty.  While Logan was being named king of the monsters, Xavier was being crowned lord of the goblins.  He was quite sure he was going to be in trouble when his mother caught him with all this mud in his hair, but in the meantime, he was enjoying a rowdy game of ‘hurl the dirt clod’ with the goblins.

No sooner had he scored the winning point when the window above the dining room table shattered, and Logan came through with his army of monsters.  The goblins were quite beside themselves, and immediately hid behind Xavier in terror.  Xavier and Logan opened their mouth to exchange hellos, but were interrupted by the door bursting into flames and Mikayla striding through it, followed by Vianna and Nysa.

‘Let my cousin go at once!’ Mikayla shouted, ‘or I shall turn you all into frogs and set your toes on fire!’

‘Yes,’ shouted Logan, ‘let our cousin go or my monsters shall dine on toasted frog legs!’

And Xavier started to laugh. ‘Oh dear,’ he said.  ‘No one needs to be rescued.  We were just playing.’

‘Where is Mithlytigibbet?’ Vianna asked.

Xavier blushed.  ‘Oops,’ he said.  ‘I suppose he does need to be rescued.’

The goblin chief protested, ‘but we were going to have him for dinner.’

Logan and the scringe growled.  ‘He’s our little man, and we don’t like it when people eat our little men.  If you even think of eating him, I shall tell my monsters that they may eat you.’

Grumbling about empty bellies, the goblin chief released Mithlygibbet, and the rat as well, after Mikayla reminded him.

As you should have realized by now, Mikayla was quite a smart child.  She looked first at the scringe, and then at the grink, which is rather like a gold and silver tiger with dragon-fly wings, and then said, ‘we will get there much faster if we all ride.  Vianna can ride Nysa, I shall ride the grink, and the boys can ride the scringe.’

Xavier looked at the scringe and did not think it looked at all comfortable to ride with Logan.  ‘Bo,’ Xavier said, ‘it is time to wake up.  I need you to turn into a dragon for me to ride.’

Shaking himself, Bo crawled from beneath the table where he had been napping and swiping leftovers.  ‘What was that?’ he said.  ‘Dogs cannot turn into dragons.’

‘They can’t talk either,’ Xavier pointed out.  ‘But in a world where Logan is the most fierce of monsters, Vianna can ride a unicorn, and Mikayla can call fire and turn goblins into frogs, surely I can turn you into a dragon.’

Bo thought a moment, and decided that made a curious sort of sense.  He stretched his neck, and then flapped dragon wings.  ‘Climb on,’ he said, in a thunderous voice as dragons ought to have.  ‘We must go rescue Pixie!’

Finally, thought Mithlytigibbet, back to action.

They raced deeper into the jagged mountains, until they saw before them a volcano that belched purple smoke and green lava.  And there, barring their way, stood a quetzal.   ‘Well, what do you know?’ Mikayla said.  ‘It is rather like a snake with wings.’  And the quetzal turned up its nose at her, for, if you recall, quetzals don’t talk to girls.

Nysa stamped her hoof and blew glittery smoke from her nostrils, for unicorns and quetzals are mortal enemies.  Vianna petted her mane to calm her as Logan and Xavier approached the quetzal.  ‘You shall let us pass immediately!’ Logan ordered.

‘Why should I?’ asked the quetzal.  ‘Who might you be?’

‘I might be King Logan, the most monstrous monster that ever monstered, and this might be Lord Xavier, rider of dragons and dirtiest of goblins, but we might be even fiercer and more terrible then even that, for it has been a long day and we are here to rescue our Pixie!’.

Mithlytigibbet stared at Logan, and reached for his sword, for surely the quetzal would snap the boy’s head off for such impudence.

But the quetzal looked at Logan on the scringe, and Xavier on the Bo-Dragon, and Vianna on the unicorn, and Mikayla on the grink with her books in hand, and wisely stepped aside.  Quetzals, you see, unlike brownies, are not over-proud.

Logan, being a gentleman, bowed politely and allowed Mikayla and Vianna to precede him up the mountain.  He followed on the left, and Xavier followed on the right, as they had heard good knights do in adventures.

They entered the fanged mouth of a commodious cavern, and saw before them at last the monster that had taken Pixie.  It was quite surprised to see the four children and their assorted company, for it had not realized it had stolen Pixie from the human world.  You see, flying behemoths aren’t known for their brains.  Mostly, they are just big, and often that is enough.

Flying behemoths, being big, are often quite hungry.  This one thought that the children and their friends would make for an excellent snack, perhaps even a meal, maybe even a meal with leftovers!  It licked its lips and started forward.

Mikayla, however, was quite prepared for this and indeed, any eventuality.  She had a book.  ‘Presto, froggo!’ she pronounced.

The flying behemoth leaped at Mithlytigibbet, and bounced right off the brownie’s chest.  It blinked its froggie eyes in confusion, for the brownie was now several orders of size larger.  Before it’s brain (which was no smaller in the frog that it had been in the behemoth) could come to terms with what happened, Mithlytigibbet had placed the frog in a sack and tied it quite firmly.  ‘There,’ he said.  ‘Now, to rescue Pixie.’

He looked up from the sack to see the children petting a small brown dog, and grimaced, for children were so easily distracted.  He began at once to search the entire place, and finally came back to the children.  Sadly, he said, ‘I am sorry, children.  I cannot find any pixie.’

Mikayla glanced at the little brown dog.  ‘She is right here.’

Mithlytigibbet had a horrible inkling of a thought.  ‘She’s not…your pixie is a dog?’

‘Of course,’ Vianna said.  ‘What else should a Pixie be?’

Mithlytigibbet threw up his hands and let out a rather large sob of frustration.  The children just looked at each other.  No matter what their size, grown-ups were weird.

Later, after they’d returned to where the magic was, and Bo had turned back into a dog, they said farewell to their new friends.

‘Do you think you shall return?’ Nysa asked.

‘Of course we shall.’ Mikayla said.  ‘But not tomorrow, for tomorrow is a school night and we must get some rest.  But we shall return.  This seems like a fun spot to have adventures.’

Nysa leaped in the air joyously, for she’d become quite fond of Vianna, and from that day forward would allow no one else to ride her.

The children exited via the magic, and returned to their own beds.  Xavier had a thought, and leaned over to whisper.  ‘Bo,’ he asked hopefully.  ‘Can you still talk?’

‘Yes,’ Bo whispered back.  ‘But we shouldn’t tell anyone.  You know how grown-ups never understand about these things.’

Logan nodded in agreement.  ‘After all,’ he said with a grin, ‘everyone knows dogs don’t talk.’

And the children and dogs all went soundly to sleep.

This might be the end, but children being children, it might not.

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